I’M LOOKING FOR A DIFFERENT WAY OF KNOWING
THAN KNOWING WITH MY MIND

I THINK THIS IS WHAT SHE’S BEEN TRYING TO SAY FOR MONTHS
I THINK I WAS SUSPICIOUS OF HER BECAUSE I DON’T TRUST EASILY
I WAS SUSPICIOUS THAT SHE WOULD HAVE SAID THIS TO ANYONE
AND SHE HAD LOST HER EDGE
AND SHE WAS JUST DOING HER THING AND NOT REALLY SEEING ME CLEARLY

BUT NOW I KNOW SHE WAS ALWAYS TALKING TO ME
JUST ME
BECAUSE I AM A DEEPLY ANXIOUS PERSON
AND IT WILL WORK BETTER TO COME AT MY ANXIETY WITH MY BODY THAN WITH MY MIND
BECAUSE MY MIND GETS IN OBSESSIVE RUTS AND I WASTE AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF TIME THERE
MY MIND IS AN INEFFICIENT WAY OF GOING ABOUT IT, SHE ONCE SAID

I’M MORE VIGILANT ALL THE TIME THAN I EVEN REALIZE 
I’M ON EDGE AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT ALL OF THE TIME
 -- SCANNING THE LANDSCAPE FOR THREATS

LATELY EVERY TIME I WALK DOWN STAIRS AT BART I GET JUST A LITTLE BIT WORRIED THAT SOMEONE WILL PUSH ME DOWN THE STAIRS FROM BEHIND
I HAVE TO ACTIVELY TRY TO PUT THE THOUGHT OUT OF MY HEAD
I THINK THIS KIND OF THOUGHT PROCESS IS HAPPENING WITH ME ALL THE TIME

SO THIS IS WHY MEDITATION IS SO HELPFUL
TO GET TO KNOW MY OWN MIND
BY ANCHORING MY BODY IN STILLNESS AND LOOKING AT ALL THE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AND SENSATIONS GO BY
OPEN-HEARTEDLY
AND THIS IS WHY SHE HAS BEEN RECOMMENDING IT TO ME
FOR MONTHS
AND MONTHS

BUT I HAVEN’T IMPLEMENTED IT YET
BECAUSE I HAVE A DEEP HABIT OF NOT DOING WHAT IS GOOD FOR ME

I DON’T VALUE MY LIFE ENOUGH