11.1 You should know first that I feel better now

I’ve learned the word “tearful,” which I think describes the behavior, not the feeling behind it, so maybe it better captures the tears that don’t necessarily have any deep emotional root.

So today, was I only tearful? Maybe I was ashamed. Maybe I was sad. I can’t seem to handle any sort of loss in a conscious way. I have no experience with it. I am very afraid of being left alone. This is something I need to work on. I won’t have a choice.

Maybe I disclosed more than I should have. She looked at me blankly. Though maybe that’s just how she looks.

I check email and texts and email and texts all day waiting refresh refresh refresh someone reach out to me please was I always this lonely all the time?

A therapist on a podcast today talked about a “self care plan.” This plan included the following questions:

  1. What are my unbearable emotions? 
  2. What are my triggers?
  3. What are my ruminating thoughts?
  4. What are my bodily cues?
  5. What am I going to do?

My anxiety balls my hands into fists. They all think I’m incompetent. Hiring me was a mistake. I can’t draw a full breath. She’s not tender enough, polite enough, with me. She thinks I’m weak. They all wish I would just leave so someone else could take my place. Someone they actually like. Meanwhile, I’m taking myself so seriously that people think I’m a joke. I am a joke. I can’t afford to get a new job. I wouldn’t know how to get a new job. I’m dissociating. I’m suddenly so, so tired. I’m so tired I’m actually not effective, I can’t concentrate, I make mistakes, I am not good at my job. So their opinions are justified. My being here is a mistake and everyone can see it.

What am I going to do?

The night ends optimistically, actually. It’s subtle how it happens. A little hope creeps in with enough time and space. I make a meal and eat it. I get some homework done. I fantasize about the future. I draw a tarot spread that tells me to start new things. 

Up up up again, slowly, enough to face tomorrow.