This is Louise!
This week’s LOUISE is Murray Bowen getting excited about genograms & triangles 

Episode Thirty

30.1 So much big change I’m not concentrating

Episode Twenty-Nine — Listen

Episode Twenty-Eight — Listen

Episode Twenty-Seven — Listen

27.1 I’m going to make a change before this year ends. 

Episode Twenty-Six — Listen

26.1 Don’t get ahead of yourself, girl

Episode Twenty-Five — Listen

25.1 Erv rules

Episode Eighteen — Listen
This week’s episode is a rebroadcast.

18.3 1,000 natural shocks
18.4 Something slightly off

Episode Twenty-Four — Listen

24.1 In Chicago this week, I’m lucky, I’m confused

Episode Twenty-Three — Listen

23.1 Slapstick ending to therapy today, I slipped down her stairs in my footie socks, then I knocked down her Buddhist hanging thing, then we both kept apologizing to each other and she told me not to pick it up and I kept apologizing as the door closed between us
23.2 From Emergent Strategy (I thought this was beautiful)

Episode Twenty-Two — Listen

22.1 One realization

Episode Twenty-One — Listen

21.1 Things she has taught me so far

Episode Twenty — Listen

20.1 Read this quote by Howard Thurman
20.2 Day off
20.3 Today I feel sad and I can’t quite get to the bottom of it

Episode Nineteen — Listen

19.1 The week of bad timing

Episode Eighteen — Listen

18.1 “a conversation is only as good as the questions it entertains”
18.2 We saw it clearly tonight!

Episode Seventeen — Listen

17.1 The Parker Palmer lines I think about often and thought about again today, which energized and soothed me in a moment that I needed it
17.2 Very clear, all of a sudden
17.3 Yeah that about sums it up

Episode Ten — Listen
This week’s episode is a rebroadcast.

10.2 Our home is like a hug and I will protect it
10.3 angel Kyodo Williams’s working definition of love

Episode Sixteen — Listen

16.1 She said that maybe I could be admirable without being obnoxious, that she thought I was on my way

16.2 Honest account of the day (dynamic synopsis)

16.3 “Everything tastes the same.”

Episode Fifteen — Listen

15.1 Intentions for my 36th year on earth

15.2 From Becoming More Fully Human, an interview with Virginia Satir on Thinking Allowed with Dr. Jeffery Mishlove, 1998

15.3 Daughter of my late employer

Episode Fourteen — Listen

14.1 I think I’m learning to relax?

Episode Thirteen — Listen

13.1 Today I allowed myself to express my tenderness to others and you know what? it made everything better, more manageable, and more full of love

Episode Twelve — Listen

12.1 Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

12.2 A Rilke poem to hold in your heart

12.3 William Butler Yeats said

Episode Eleven — Listen

11.1 You should know first that I feel better now
11.2 I don’t care if you’re just buttering my bread, I’ll take it because it feels great to take it

Episode Ten — Listen

10.1 Excerpt from Psychiatry and the Sacred by Jacob Needleman

Episode Nine — Listen

9.1 I have felt repellent this week, I think I was truly repelling people, except not today, so maybe it’s lifting
9.2 Laughter is a lubricant

Episode Eight — Listen

8.1 Rewatching The Door in the Floor (grief/eroticism/Kim Basinger/New England/salt)
8.2 He teared up and then I teared up

Episode Seven — Listen

7.1 A good list from Core Competencies of Relational Psychoanalysis (Roy E. Barsness, editor)
7.2 Erving Polster videos tonight!
7.3 What ifs
7.4 Regarding change

Episode Six — Listen

6.1 This week has been a test
6.2 An honest question

Episode Five — Listen

5.1 Unscheduled time
5.2 Cradled by the day
5.3 I made an orange bundt cake today (she bakes now)
5.4 An excerpt from Trauma and Memory by Peter Levine
5.5 Another excerpt from Trauma and Memory by Peter Levine

Episode Four — Listen

4.1 Is this good?
4.2 “Severe” look
4.3 The 4th floor
4.4 Rhan can’t stop thinking about Blade
4.5 Don’t look now 7.23.19


11.1 You should know first that I feel better now

I’ve learned the word “tearful,” which I think describes the behavior, not the feeling behind it, so maybe it better captures the tears that don’t necessarily have any deep emotional root.

So today, was I only tearful? Maybe I was ashamed. Maybe I was sad. I can’t seem to handle any sort of loss in a conscious way. I have no experience with it. I am very afraid of being left alone. This is something I need to work on. I won’t have a choice.

Maybe I disclosed more than I should have. She looked at me blankly. Though maybe that’s just how she looks.

I check email and texts and email and texts all day waiting refresh refresh refresh someone reach out to me please was I always this lonely all the time?

A therapist on a podcast today talked about a “self care plan.” This plan included the following questions:

  1. What are my unbearable emotions? 
  2. What are my triggers?
  3. What are my ruminating thoughts?
  4. What are my bodily cues?
  5. What am I going to do?

My anxiety balls my hands into fists. They all think I’m incompetent. Hiring me was a mistake. I can’t draw a full breath. She’s not tender enough, polite enough, with me. She thinks I’m weak. They all wish I would just leave so someone else could take my place. Someone they actually like. Meanwhile, I’m taking myself so seriously that people think I’m a joke. I am a joke. I can’t afford to get a new job. I wouldn’t know how to get a new job. I’m dissociating. I’m suddenly so, so tired. I’m so tired I’m actually not effective, I can’t concentrate, I make mistakes, I am not good at my job. So their opinions are justified. My being here is a mistake and everyone can see it.

What am I going to do?

The night ends optimistically, actually. It’s subtle how it happens. A little hope creeps in with enough time and space. I make a meal and eat it. I get some homework done. I fantasize about the future. I draw a tarot spread that tells me to start new things. 

Up up up again, slowly, enough to face tomorrow.